The Attention Deficit Disorder Thread

Sometimes ppl lie. Yes sometimes they even tell what's untrue on the internet.

 

And yet.

Here we remain.

Against all the odds, and, lets be honest, in spite of our own best and worst intentions.

 

He's suffered the same sort of wounds as his friend here, except he still has his tongue.

 

The official line of Her Majesty's Government is `I beg your pardon?`

 

Not bad. Congratulations. Tell me, was it necessary that you kill all of them? I only told you to scare them.

 

He nodded twice, before he remembered he was on the phone.

 

Do you know anything about a guy going around playing the harmonica? He's someone you'd remember. Instead of talking, he plays. And when he better play, he talks.

 

I think the Statue of Liberty could advertise douche products: "Just because your standing in water all day doesn't mean you have to smell like fish."

 

He glanced quickly around him, a simple action that just screamed suspicious.

 

My world? Work in progress.

 

Like a teddy bear. With fangs.

 

[discussing a tax on cigarettes and alcohol]
Panelist: I don't have a problem with it, because I don't drink or smoke, so it doesn't affect me.
Dave Attell: Well then you're boring. They should put a tax on that.

 

Sweating like a pig; do pigs sweat? If so, how sweaty are pigs? And who found this out?

 

By God, England will not fall while I am Queen.

 

My loving people. We see the sails of the enemy approaching. We hear the Spanish guns over the water. Soon now, we will meet them face-to-face. I am resolved, in the midst and heat of the battle, to live or die amongst you all. While we stand together no invader shall pass. Let them come with the armies of Hell; they will not pass! And when this day of battle is ended, we meet again in heaven or on the field of victory.

 

We were in this bar in Saigon and this kid comes up, this kid carrying a shoe-shine box. And he says "Shine, please, shine!" I said no. He kept askin', yeah, and Joey said "Yeah." And I went to get a couple of beers, and the box was wired, and he opened up the box, fucking blew his body all over the place. And he's laying there, he's fucking screaming. There's pieces of him all over me, just... (Takes off his bandolier) like this, and I'm tryin' to pull him off, you know, my friend that's all over me! I've got blood and everything and I'm tryin' to hold him together! I'm puttin'... the guy's fuckin' insides keep coming out! And nobody would help! Nobody would help! He's saying, sayin' "I wanna go home! I wanna go home!" He keeps calling my name! "I wanna go home, Johnny! I wanna drive my Chevy!" I said "Why? I can't find your fuckin' legs! I can't find your legs!"

 

The only advice I ever got from my dad is this: sex is like pizza, even when it's bad you still gotta pay for it.

 

Colder than a witches tit; how cold is a witch’s tit? And who checked? Was there extensive research undertaken? ‘Cos if it was just the one witch...well, it might have been a bit nippy on that day. Witches might have very warm bosoms; enquiring minds need to know.

 

Archimedesed. If you know the reference, it is both funny and informative. Informative in the negative, but what else would you expect these days?

 

Greg Giraldo: The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.

Jim Norton: You masturbate with a Speak 'n Spell?