The Attention Deficit Disorder Thread

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
"Great, let's fuck"

 

What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A blind person with a rubix cube.

 

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Gently force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and mild soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Gently force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with an elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the fucking cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little monster's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it if necessary. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any really small hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap pill in bacon.
2. Toss in the air.

 

I'm fine! Work was crazy but I have next week off so who cares.

Apparently not.

 

Little Johnny was in his maths class one day when the teacher singled him out.
“If I gave you $200,” the teacher began, “And you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?”
“An orgy,” Little Johnny answered.

 

Spam and comedy. With some pretty girls and porn.

Welcome to Phun.

:mrgreen:

 

State Mottos

Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!
Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the “Fun” in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defence From the Canadians
Minnesota: “10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000 Mosquitoes”
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die
Wyoming: Wynot?

 

This conversation allegedly took place between a US Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Americans: Please divert you course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS NIMITZ, WE ARE A WARSHIP OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

:1luvu:

 

Driving School Exam Answers

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The colour.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

 

-I called in sick.
-To who? You're the boss.
-I know, it was a weird conversation.

 

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

 

Some one-liners;

I'm not crazy, I just do what the voices inside my head tell me to do.

What's the worst thing you can do to a masochist? Nothing

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off

I'm not alone because the television’s on

I'm not crazy because I take the right pills

Fancy a game of Hangman? We already started; S----M H-SS—N

I just saw my parents having sex. That's the last time I go to that website.

A baby seal walks into a club...

`The Who`, or, as the kids call them, “those guys who sing the CSI theme songs.”

How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the morning?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours and day, 7 days a week, why are there locks on the doors?

Reality is crutch for people who can’t handle drugs