The Attention Deficit Disorder Thread

"I'm going to sprint for the ice rink." Barry looked her in the eye.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?"
"We don't have time to play ninja, not with half of Southern California's Feds and cops descending on us."

 

These guys? I wouldn't be surprised to hear they could fly.

 

"Vaporise? You mean destroy, right?"
"I mean vaporise, as in, leave a big fucking hole in the ground."

 

-I can't leave you alone for five minutes without someone trying to cave your skull in.
-That's me; I'm a real people person.

 

-To paraphrase, children, never in the field of human endeavour has so much hope been pinned by so many on so few. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers. I say now, cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.
-What?
-Classics, woman, classics.

 

What's the worst he could do?
Apart from cut my head off? I dread to think.

 

You lot are fond of your traditions
Makes life simpler if you know it's supposed to go this way or you're supposed to do that.

 

Do your ribs still hurt?
Only when I breathe.

 

How do you manage to remember all this stuff?

 

If you think nothing is impossible, try yawning with your mouth closed.

 

He doesn't.

 

Copy 'n' paste, baby.

Wave of the future.

 

The worst person to be married to

-Baaaa!
-I love you lots. Oh, lets see what Mr Tiddles thinks of you (raises hand puppet)..what do you think? (hand puppet turns) DIE BITCH!
-These are my late rabbits ashes. Say hello.
-When I said I was a positive person, I meant HIV.
-I brought all me videos to turn us on; it’s Fred Dibnah’s Age of Steam.
-You thought I was a Thai lady…well, you’re half-right.
-Of course we’re going to go out tonight; it’s Hitler’s birthday.
-But he’s my dad! We do everything together.
-He sleeps with us in the bed, ok? Don’t make me choose between you and the wolf.

 

Bad things to hear on an aeroplane

-That’s the first cloud I’ve ever seen with a ski lift on it.
-Louisa and her in-flight team will be looking after you today, and your hijackers name is Ibrahim.
-Hold on! I’ve just entered us in the Red Bull Challenge!
-This is a non-smoking flight, but do feel free to join me in the cockpit, where we’ve opened a window.
-I’m sorry, due to unforeseen Islamic fundamentalism, this plane is being diverted to Paradise.
-Punch it , Chewie!

 

Weird things to see on a road sign

-Fancy a shag? Park and Ride, 200 yards
-Stop! Hammer time!
-You are leaving Croydon. Well done.
-When the red lights are flashing…get down with the grooooove!
-Amarillo. This way.
-If you can read this, you've crashed into my front garden.
-No left turn. No right turn. No entry. No reversing. Get out of the car and put your hands on your head. DO IT!
-River ahead. Which your sat-nav thinks is a road.
-Warning! Little Chef 1 Mile.

 

I gave up drinking for a month; February, because it's the shortest.

 

We are very lucky in the war on terror to have the Americans standing with us shoulder to shoulder, because they’ve done their bit to help this country because if they hadn’t funded the IRA for 35 years we wouldn’t have the faintest idea how to deal with terrorists.

 

What’s the point of a soft Tory leader? Isn’t it a bit like Darth Vader turning to the Emperor and saying ‘I’m not sure about the environmental consequences of the Death Star, Your Excellency. This is a forest moon we’ll be ruining.’

 

I should have guessed.

 

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again..."